in pursuit of my King

12/12/2010

2010-12-12T01:12:00.001+08:00

i've never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

barely holding on.

someday save me.

17/10/10

2010-10-17T00:21:00.003+08:00

i finally came up with the perfect phrase.

it feels like vfc youths are becoming like city harvest.

individual growth vs church growth. focus on one and you compromise the other.

good or bad, u decide.

06/10/10

2010-10-06T22:42:00.002+08:00

Hi there old friend. i thought i wouldn't need you anymore. but i really need to rant. i cant tell my best friend cos she wont understand how i feel. i cant tell my sch mates cos they think i'm bragging. i cant tell anyone cos they just think i'm retarded.

2 types of people. either they say wow you've done well, (which i dont find it entirely true. and it dont help make me feel better complimenting me) or they focus only on the B and the other distinctions are negligible.

i want to change my mentality towards it. i thought i have gotten over it. but i just keep getting reminded of it everyday, everywhere i go by everyone.

i told myself, it's not going to be the B that ruined me, but the B that changed me

yet it seems easier said then done.

04/10/10

2010-10-04T23:34:00.002+08:00

They will never go "Wah! 5 distinctions! well done!"
It's always "Why did you get a B? is it just you or everybody else?"

why bother what other people get. it's comparison that causes us to be in a situation of "you're ok, i'm not ok."
-

disappointments aside. well, i dont live or do well for anyone.

these hols have been really meaningful especially with the scholars induction camp. it felt as if i was at some christian seminar. felt God speaking to me in so many ways. found out on the last day, most of the staff were christians. wow.

i guess God had a purpose for "forcing" me to go for it. ha...

greater purity, greater influence.

06/10/09

2009-10-06T23:13:00.002+08:00

today's prolly one of the most memorable day for me. i think because not only the same 4 guys were there but jer, kim, char were there too. and spending time with each one of them meant so much to me.

each one have their own lives, their own things to do, and yet on a day like tt i just felt a little sense of family and unity. i'll be keeping all of em in prayer especially the army boys. praying that army would not draw them further from us/God.

it's gonna be quite a big change with them busy for the next 2/3 months. i really pray that these good times will be back again someday.

i feel like getting my well deserved rest. =D i'm so happy yet i feel a little melancholic haha... mixed feelings. gonna miss my buddies. but i loved today. absolutely, gaurantee + chop, looooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeee my day. i pray for more of such outings. =DDD

05/10/09

2009-10-05T11:16:00.007+08:00

it's been long since i last blog about my day haha. however i feel like keeping in mind today, cos it meant so much to me.

it's monday and i have to go to work, but instead of going straight to sch, i have to go down to tanjong pagar to settle some business admin stuff. so i got my dad to send me down, and on our way, we passed by the tanjong pagar train station. AND I LOVE THE CHAPPATI THERE!

so i asked my dad what time he starts work and if he wanted to go for breakfast despite knowing that he's prolly already late. he replied saying that work is suppose to start like soon. so i said it's ok and we're quiet for a while.

"Actually, i'm a hungry too, let's go for breakfast." my dad suddenly replied. of course i told him it's ok la ha but in the end he insisted and so we went for breakfast! and i found out in all his 50yrs on earth, he has never stepped in to that train station.

it was really cool man, we had chappatti and teh aliah. breakfast was just so nice, then we took a walk around the station and carried on on our journey.

and the rest is just i reached acra, settled my stuff and headed to sch. but morning never felt so wonderful in a long time. i always wished that when i have a family, i'd love to bring them out as a family for breakfast. well, today's father and son breakfast will always be remembered.

and just a song that i'm listening to on repeat because as i listen, i become more amazed and in awe of the God we serve.

25/09/09

2009-09-25T11:14:00.001+08:00

tough times are over, everything seem to be climbing, but i know tougher times are coming!

God, see me through.

13/07/09

2009-07-13T20:41:00.002+08:00

Love is rejoicing over the existence of the beloved one; it is the desire that he be rather than not be; it is longing for his presence when he is absent; it is happiness in the thought of him; it is profound satisfaction over everything that makes him great and glorious. Love is gratitude; it is thankfulness for the existence of the beloved... It is gratitude that does not seek equality; it is wonder over the other's gift of himself in companionship. Love is reverence; it keeps it's distance even as it draws near; it does not seek to absorb the other in the self nor want to be absorbed by it; it rejoices in the otherness of the other; it desires the beloved to be what he is and does not seek to refashion him into a replica of the self... In all love there is an element of that holy fear which is not a form of flight but rather deep respect for the otherness of the beloved and the profound unwillingness to violate his integrity. Love is Loyalty; it is the willingness to let the self be destroyed rather than that the beloved should cease to be

25/06/09

2009-06-25T18:16:00.001+08:00

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

24/06/09

2009-06-24T21:53:00.002+08:00

"why so troubled oh my soul?"

30/05/09

2009-05-30T11:24:00.002+08:00

i woke up to such a beautiful morning! =D

i happen to catch a news on yahoo, and curious about what it was, i decided to check it out. it was actually an article regarding susan boyle considering quitting the show. so i decided to do a youtube search on her to find out what was going on.

so as i searched on youtube, i found her audition video. =D
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

i can't embed it though. ar... so click and watch!

it's just so beautiful. how cheerful, so full of confidence and with such a character, i love her. i was sooooo moved to tears! and after her act, when i hear what amanda said, the truth of reality set in, it broke my heart so much, i think i cried. hahahaha

wow, God's so amazing, how he creates such beautiful people, and i pray that she'd not be affected by what the world has to say about her and pursue on! i feel so sad for her for all the critics who are hunting her out and shooting her down.

wow, i'm just so amazed.

05/05/09

2009-05-05T22:08:00.002+08:00

=D=D=D have been feeling a lot happier these days, met silas, ron and alan on mon, isabella and joanna today. got to chat with all of em a bit. =)

anyway, we had care group today and i got to drive down, ALONE!!! i had so much fun lar! hohohohoho! after CG i wanted to send jerina back cos she was sick, but bro stanley offered before me so oh well. i wanted to have a reason to drive round some more hahaha! but nvm, at least i got to drive to charissa's house.

so exciting! and after dropping char off, i was all alone, and the feeling of being in the car alone kinda felt.... i dunnoe. nice. cruising alone. haha... i wish it went on for a while longer. so relaxing and rejuevenating.

but i guess everyone feels this way the first time they get to drive out alone. soon, i'll be dreading cos i'll always be the one driving, then i have to send my sis here, pick her up there, same goes for my mom hahaha... oh well... until that time comes then we'll talk about it again.

k need to rush an assignment. off!

2009-04-29T20:45:00.003+08:00

just so distracted today. every single day i feel so horrible as i make my way down to school. i don't know if i should be there, i don't like what i'm doing, and it seems like i have no choice. i've been putting in so much effort the past week, putting every single bit of strength into what i'm doing yet today, i just couldn't focus all day long. don't know who to tell, don't know what to do.

i keep telling God my feelings and a song began to rise from my heart.

Still

Hide me now,
under Your wings.
Cover me, within Your mighty hands.

Find rest my soul,
in Christ alone.
Know His power,
in quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,
I will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood.
I will be still know You are God.

yet, i still feel so troubled. the only thing keeping me alive are rugby and spending time with my classmates.

such an unexplainable feeling. i just need some joy. maybe i need more time with the word. more of God, less of me.

23/04/09

2009-04-23T22:01:00.003+08:00

the curse of my family - is my parents not having confidence in me.

the lack of confidence in me causes me to doubt my own abilities. even if i tell myself i can do it, yet if i fail, there my mom will go again "see i told you." what is there to see, when failure is not expected of me.

will i know and experience failure? will i be able to climb up when i stumble? don't everyone take the chance and make or break? how will i ever know, when i do not even take the first step or do i wait until the first step is completely safe to walk on.

will the first step wait for me forever? will an opportunity stay and tell me it will wait for me, till the day i perish? will my youth be with me forever to take on the stepping stones of a youth?

do even anyone have confidence in me?

22/04/09

2009-04-22T23:40:00.002+08:00

it's just the first week of school and i am sooooo busy! but this entry is not an entry of complain it's an entry that glorifies our amazing, indescribable God.

the first one's a very long testimony, but i'll briefly write it down and if u want to know, ask me. =) so first day of sch, i don't know everyone, i feel horrible, i feel awkward, yet i remember lifting this new termt o God. all the way to sch i was just listening to indescribable and just meditating on him and his goodness.

anyway, cut a long story of getting lost, and other stuff, i met 1 friend. and God allowed me to encourage him so greatly, the holy spirit just kept putting words in my mouth, i went on like a never ending train. even though i sense a sweet presence around me, i thought i was boring him, then i came to a short pause after talking about the holy spirit. then he turned to me and tell me, that he feels something different, it's like every word i speak is making his hair stand on ends. wow, i was so amazed i just paused for a while, then the holy spirit just threw in more words, that even in the midst of his sin, God was present. wow. God's so marvelous.

then i passed my driving test with only 6 demerit points!!! i was totally discouraged druring my pre-test practice session. i have not done the circuit for 2 months and so i kept making mistakes and got so much scolding from my instructor, i felt in my heart, i was going to fail. yet after everything, when i'm waiting for the tester i just said what happened just now was the past. now is now. and i began praying all the way through, then repeating steps in my mind.

everything went so smoothly but i still wasn't sure if i'd pass, then my instructor walked by and gave me the thumbs up haha. while waiting for the slip to arrive i was thinking, 18? maybe 14 points? and it turned out to be only 6! God works beyond your expectations!

then finally cos of my busy schedule, i can't have net on fri. and everyone has replied me except leroy who's the crucial one cos net is at his place. after finishing much work, i decided to go down for a drink, need some fresh air. as i walked to 7-11 i was praying "God help me, i dunnoe what to do if leroy doesn't call/reply me." just seconds later i recieved a call from leroy and it seems we can have net tmr! praise God!

it's been a while since i have seen God's hand moving in such a powerful way, and i am believing for even BIGGER and MORE miracles this week and the weeks to come.

i serve an awesome God!

18/4/09

2009-04-18T10:56:00.002+08:00

How long must i wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

But I trust in your unfailing love,

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me.

19/03/09

2009-03-19T16:12:00.002+08:00

every dream dashed,
every hope, dim.

but i'm still hanging on.
hanging on to you. to even the little glimmer of hope.

my future, in your hands.

tired.

31/01/09

2009-01-31T23:56:00.001+08:00

fill me once again.

17/01/09

2009-01-17T22:57:00.002+08:00

wow, these things that i've wrote in the previous entries, are really speaking to me at this time. guess, i've drifted away, getting all bogged up with my own programmes and stuff.

but one thing that really breaks my heart is that, no matter how much i've sinned or drifted away, God's grace always extends to me. He still speaks to me, even in my darkest moments. He still speaks no matter what i;ve done, as long as i would turn back and spend even a little bit of time with Him.

reading the old testament made me realise something. we talk about covenantal promises all the time, and missed out on the covenantal curses. there are many examples among the kings of Israel example, king david with bethsheba and when he covered up for his son (if i remembered correctly hohoho). but one very significant one, is the separation of judah from Israel because of disobedience and sin.

as i reflect on it, i do see resemblance in areas of my life, where i've lost something because of my sin. i used to enjoy and love prayer. when i pray i see things happened, and i often get excited because the Lord would lay word in my heart and the holy spirit would guide me in prayer. but then came a time where i did something, something really bad that pulled me away from God. and now, i find prayer one of the hardest thing to do.

sometimes, i get into intercession very easily, the emotions flood in and the desire fills my heart and i pray like i used to. but it only comes once a while.

i really wish i can continue with God from where i left off with Him. i desire so much to be a prayer warrior. to be a praying brother, son, and friend.

after mas selamat, i remember falling back into sin, and once again i lost something. i lost the passion for souls. i lost the desire to see souls saved and lives changed. i tried, i pray, yet it comes only once a while.

i want to straigthen my life with God. today felt like a turning point when i resisted temptation. it feels good to not fall into the trap of the enemy. i really need to turn back to God, and pursue Him once again, to fight for what i have lost.

03/01/01

2009-01-03T00:21:00.004+08:00

just the other day, the phrase 'death in the pot' kept going through my mind and the next morning when i was going to continue my devotion from where i left off in 2 kings 5, i saw that same phrase, and instantly, i felt God wanted to speak through that phrase.

i began seeking the Lord and as i began reading through different versions and doing research on the net, wow, there were so many things which we can learn through that one experience with elisha.

in 2 kings 4:38 it talks about Elisha entering Gilgal, and in the land of Gilgal, was in a state of famine or barren land. i see the famine as a state of our spiritual barrenness, which could be due to a covenantal curse or out of disobedience.

however, i feel God is talking more about disobedience and sin.
In 2 Kings 4:39, "One of them went out into the fields to gather herbs and found a wild vine. He gathered some of it's gourds and filled the fold of his cloak. When he returned, he cut them up into the pot of stew, though no one knew what they were."

the harmful is always available. in a land of famine, where crops aren't able to grow and flourish, yet this wild vine survived. a wild vine. if you knew that it came from a wild vine, not knowing what kind of food it is, i believe u probably would not have eaten it or at least tested if it was suitable for consumption.

in the KJV, ".... and shred them into the pot of pottage: for they knew them not." satan has his way of disguising sin so that people will fall for them. a trap is set and disguised so that the prey would fall for it. and in the same way, satan is disguising sin so that people will not see the truth and commit them.

in 2 kings 4:41, we see how God provided for those who are faithful to the covenant, when others suffered. We know that Elisha was a faithful servant and prophet of the Lord, thus God's hands was upon him. but even if we've sin and entered the famine, there's still hope.

Elisha said "Get some flour." He put it into the pot and said, "serve it to the people to eat." And there was nothing harmful in the pot.

the remedy for sin is Jesus Christ. and here, the flour represented the bread of life, whom Jesus said "I am the bread of life." He is the cure to every form of death caused by sin.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." the bread of life is the Word as well. the Word of God can safeguard us from all things evil. we have to feed and nourish our spirits daily with the word of God.

the flour was representation of God's grace. the company of prophets could've been wiped out that very day. Just as the world, lost if Jesus wasn't sent to die for our sins.

I believe in this time, there are 2 groups of people in church. one who have been following the Lord faithfully and the other living in disobedience. And i believe this is the word of God for both groups. that if you are living right, God is going to use you to lead those in sin back to him. and when i mentioned those in sin, I don't just mean, those who have not gained salvation but also people in church.

noticed the group of people Elisha was addressing, they were the company of prophets. the son, children of prophets who have settled before Elisha to hear the Word of God and not just any stranger or passer-by.

now is the time, "Wake up! ARISE!" walk out from spiritual barrenness caused by sin and disobedience and pursue God.

28/12/08

2008-12-28T23:09:00.003+08:00

i just feel God's moving into a new year of faith and of miracles!

i feel so strongly in my heart that 2009 is just like what jeremy said, a year where the impossible will be possible. and just like bro han mentioned, it's a yr of urgency, obey immediately! late obedience is disobedience. obey immediately, and see His miracles take place right before you.

i want to bring up an old post i wrote just a while back when God placed these 2 songs in my heart because i find it very prophetic.

no eye has seen, no ear has heard.
the good that the Lord has prepared for those,
who waits on Him, to hear His voice.
"I AM the potter and you are the clay."

open my eyes,
i want to see beyond all i believe.
by faith i open the doors
to recieve from the hand of the Lord,
i recieve from the hand of the Lord.

miracles are already placed before you, open your eyes to them. also, open your spiritual eys so that you will be able to see beyond every work and every calling so that you will live by faith and with the hope and joy of the fulfilment of your calling.

i've told these to some of you before and even this - that in the last days, God is going to raise the prophetic among us. and i see how true this is when bro han was sharing today. it brought so much excitment!

it does not have to be like "thus sayeth the Lord ........" it can be as simple as what the Lord lays in your heart, or what you have read in a book or heard in a song that speaks to needs of others with encouragement and strength.

start learning to discern correctly, for this is what i feel so strongly that he's going to raise up the prophetic and the impossibles are gonna be made possible this yr!

and let this be a prophetic word:
you who feel you can't be a leader, will be one. you who are unconfident will become an evangelist, missionary, worship leader, etc. the hardest hard made soft. the coldest heart find love. infirmities and diseases healed by a word of faith. that's what this generation is going to be in the years to come.

despite the drifting congregation, a generation falling asleep, i know God is saying " AWAKEN! ARISE! i have called you! COME!"
now wake up and bring the glory of God into this house.

20/12/08

2008-12-20T23:36:00.002+08:00

i was watching naruto. i loved it since my MI days because i seem to identify with naruto. and i guess many of us do in certain ways.

"no one defies the odds like him, he saved us countless times. Every time someone expects him to fail, he proves them wrong. that's who uzumaki naruto is!"

18/12/08

2008-12-18T20:48:00.002+08:00

i'm sick again. =(

ok, am watching tv now, something random. children laughs 400 times a day on average while adults 15 times a day. that's soooo sad!! i can't believe i laugh only 15 times a day!!! i love to laugh! hahahaha!!

anyway, i am supposed to be the duty sergeant today but somehow, i fell sick and i have 2 days mc. initially, i couldn't find anyone to replace me, so i had to stay overnight though i was feeling lousy. my body's aching so bad, i need panadols to relax my muscles. ha... anyway, thank God for a caring SM, he decided to let me hand over my duty and go home.

i'm really thankful cos with the fever, i thought i had to bathe in camp with cols water, which would really make it hard to shower. thank God! now i get to come home and bathe with warm water... ah.... hahaha...

there's really something growing in me, though i'm not very sure what it is. but there's this new love overflowing from my heart, a new desire to know the joy of living. =) yesterday, i decided to give my mom a huge big hug and tell her i love her, and it felt like the most phenomenal thing! haha... think my mom couldn't sleep also haha... been a long time since i've expressed my love. and i began to understand the joy of living. to me, it's when u put a smile on the faces of people around you. =) sometimes even at the sacrifice of your own benefit. it just seem really meaningful.

it's as simple as sacrificing some time to do something nice for someone. haha.. been a while since i have done that. i can't wait to find these little opportunities to put a smile on my friend's faces! =D

12/12/08

2008-12-12T22:40:00.005+08:00

net dinner! it's really nice when we share and we affirm each other. it's really wonderful to see each other learn and grow. also, even as we share we really get to see the message in many different angles.

camp was really awesome! this year's preacher was really prophetic in many ways. and the word he preaches are so real and something we really have to remember and keep close to our heart.

both God and satan knows that through this camp, most of us have made significant decisions to make a change and even as we left and that night itself, the enemy is already trying to come against the work of the Lord.

i mean, not just only me, but my net as well. even in my dreams! can u believe it! i had to wake up and repent and ask God to really keep me on the guard! the enemy is really coming in full force! but i believe in the God to help me overcome and i know that He has already set me free!

we have to stand firm and not go back to our old ways after being set free and this is the one thing i want to accomplish from now on. to begin to stand firm and not go back to my old ways and to share this freedom with the pple around me. i can't wait to get back to work!!! =D

07/12/08

2008-12-07T09:23:00.002+08:00

tmr's youth camp! super excited! can't wait to relive those younger times when i was 17/18 yrs old. hahaha! games, and cheers, and all the fun and excitement! haha, can barely contain it! HOHOHOHO!!!

as much as i can't wait to ORD, i'm gonna miss those guys who've spent a yr plus with me. i guess it's a phase everyone goes through. we make new friends, then leave them when the end comes. it's sad ar, but i guess it's just part of our everyday life. to think about someone so close, yet you might nvr speak to him/her again, once they move on, or move away...

anyway, i really want to get back to camp, to finish what i have started! i can't wait, i feel something new in me, a fresh and new desire to live life the way i did. to be called "pastor" in camp, to have pple come to me and talk whenever they need help. i've drifted away too much these past few months, grieved the holy spirit time and again. yet, my God, picks me up when i fall, speaks to me though i sin. He just nvr seem to give up on me when i have already given up on myself.

yet he says, "cast your burdens on me, and i'll exchange them for a renewing of the spirit."

it's so exciting to live for God, to see miracles happen, pple touched by God, even in the midst of guard duty, in the guard room.

i know that You will be with me, till the very end of age. You promised.

02/12/08

2008-12-02T00:26:00.004+08:00

man, it's december already! as much as i can't wait for all the december events, i don't want this year 2 end. it has been an awesome year.

sunday was definitely the start of all things fun and joyful! i am so glad that out of the many i invited to come to 180, half of them came! even my PS came! hahaha! awesome!

also, i'm sooo excited that we actually won the 180 dance competition! i really had fun doing the dance, and would be most glad to do it again! haha..

i can't wait for youth camp!!! already hoping tt i can make new friends and rebuild my circle of friends during camp! =D but most of all, i really want to encounter God all over again. i've been so far at times, doing things that do not glorify Him. i've changed alot since April... i just want to run back to that one person who loves me so much. have to start preparing now, packing my bag, and most of all, my heart.

then, christmas, watchnight service, new year, chinese new year, ord, and then a whole new year! woooo! i wonder what's installed for me, this coming year, who, what will i become. whoo will i meet? where will i be? where will i be going? wow. can't wait.

i really want to move on.

ah... it's been a long day. tired. i want a cup of almond milk tea.

to see with faith

2008-11-13T19:29:00.005+08:00

no eye has seen,

no ear has heard,

the good that the Lord has prepared for those,

who wait on him,

to hear his voice...

open my eyes,

i want to see beyond,

all i believe.

by faith, i open the doors

to recieve from the hand of the Lord,

I recieve from the hand of the Lord...

remind me of who i am

2008-11-06T20:17:00.004+08:00

"thanks for helping me reconnect, gabriel. i've never met any other one like you, who didnt get sucked into this metropolitan whirlpool and get whisked away to meet self-imposed society expectations. your stories painted me a picture i thought only existed in Utopia, only to find out that they are real, not so far away and attainable none the least. i admire people like you who dare to go against the currents and walk the lesser known path. i admire your outlook on life, so true to yourself and so pure of heart. dont let anyone say your aspirations are unrealistic, ever."

24/09/08

2008-09-24T21:55:00.004+08:00

woah, there's just this wave of emptiness sweeping through me, eating it's way out to the surface.
i'm just sooo tired and i need a break. yet when i have a break i realise how empty and a waste of time it is. like a day's being wasted away.

Lord, i need your rest once again. come and refresh me.

whoever you may be, take me away.

25/09/08

wow! wanna know what's God's reply to this post?

"your heart is filled with things other than Myself. For i have created you to have a relationship with Me, and until you have refocused yourself, then will you move on once again from the desert place."

God was slowing me down to help me realise how much my day was spent wasted on things other than God. i mean, TOO much time spent on other things. He's not mad at me. He just wanted me to realise that He should be the priority in my life.

Thank you for speaking to me Lord.

19/09/08

2008-09-19T17:33:00.001+08:00

ok i felt that i could've been more specific today in sharing. i did not write points out cos halfway through i realised that i had probably hours of things to share HAHAHA!!

but some things i want to add is that...
God wants to do miracles at where u are. pray for/with the people whenever u have the opportunity. i know sharing is hard enough, but if you managed to share, why not try to throw in a prayer too! even i forget this a lot of times.

minister to their needs with what the word of God says. people want to know how their problem can be solved. they are sick of hearing the standard, generic answers. give them a Godly that would leave them convicted. try to gauge and not go overboard. remember, it is suppose to be a word of encouragement, not an opportunity for you to shoot back at him/her what you do not like about that person.

do not be afraid to admit that you are human and you make mistakes instead of trying to defend urself. people will judge you, but if u a willing to change, make the effort. in fact many times when i am caught doing what i'm not supposed to, instead of getting judge, my friends would pull me away and tell me not to do it. and these are the people who really care for you, care for your well being.

speak life into them. tt's all.
-

Distraction Needs
85

You have strong distraction needs. Distraction entails Pleasure, Joking and Change. Those who score high on these needs are happy-go-lucky and fun seeking, but also careless. Since pleasure is their predominant quest, they don't believe that life should be taken too seriously. To them, every day should be a holiday. They much prefer play to work and consider weekends and vacation time as the ultimate rewards. They are funny and enjoy laughing at their own practical jokes and clownish shows, especially at parties where they can entertain cheerful guests. These individuals need to break monotony by switching to new activities, such as weekend escapades or stimulating trips that will bring them new sensations and a change of scenery. They enjoy living one day at a time without bothering about tomorrow. They need fun, laughter and distraction.

12/09/08

2008-09-12T00:35:00.001+08:00

Broken
Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

keep forgetting it's september.

06/09/08

2008-09-06T17:54:00.008+08:00

Jack : He did not mean it you know?
Kate : *clueless face* What?
Jack : Soyer. When he said he didn't want you to go with him, he didn't mean it.
Kate : He didn't mean it, why he say it?
Jack : Trying to protect you. --- That's why i asked you not to come back for me.

Kate : *shoots back* Hey! Why are you sticking up for Soyer? He'd never do it for you.
Jack : *long pause, smiles back* Because I love you.

-it does not really matter, you know.

18/08/08

2008-08-18T20:15:00.003+08:00

i believe the lord has plans for my life. =)

i've just spent the last few minutes in a heated discussion with my mom over what i plan to do in the future. initially, i have totally no idea and all the other ideas of going to indonesia or poly or working in prudential, kinda just made me feel a little uneasy.

but suddenly, just a few days ago, i felt my eyes open, and my heart comforted. i suddenly felt like "i know what to do!" yea, and i feel really comfortable with the idea. =)

after my diploma, i'll probably enter JCU, and at the same time apply for gideonites. of course i hope the gideonites entry would come through first but haha... some of you might know what my mom have gone through in timor and so, she strongly disagreed.

but i believe in God's promises soo strongly, i'm actually looking forward to ORD. I KNOW WHAT TO DO! (at least as of now hahaha)

one more thing is that, i just want to become the warrior that God wants me to be. the man i ought to be. it's about time to stop depending on others, being a sheperd boy, but it's time to be a warrior like david when he fought goliath or joshua, who led the nation of Israel into war against the many different tribes to win back the promised land.

before i even find someone to fight for and love, i really want to become a warrior for God. to learn how to actually fight for and love someone. i just find it so meaningful all of a sudden. pieces of things God spoke to me about just began to form all over again.

it's about time for God to use a mismatch for His glory. and i'm the willing vessel. though i am afraid of writing all these, but i just have to declare them over my life.

God, here i am. i am weak, but i know You can use me, so that people will see your glory. that You will be glorified through me, because You made me, who is unable, to be able.

06/08/08

2008-08-06T09:33:00.001+08:00

the more you know, the harder it becomes to live life.

so, be bold and courageous. live it the way that you are told to.

I CAN'T SLEEP!

2008-07-10T01:34:00.002+08:00

i hate it when i can't sleep especially when there's work the next morning, but i can't help it.

my mind's just raving over someone. i've not been/felt this way in quite some time. thought everything's fine, but it's not. haha...

i wish i could do something, say something, ANYTHING to that person. just to see a smile, it's more than i can ask for.

can't BELIEVE i just blogged this.

(dear heart, please don't make me look like a fool again... hahahaha..)

07/07/08

2008-07-07T19:53:00.003+08:00

oh, my word! i can't believe this is going to come from me.

OPS WAS SO FUN!

HAHAHA!
i was initially very disappointed cos i was gonna do night shift, and to makes things worse, the day shift guy wanted to do night. -___-" tell me earlier ma!

NVM!
night was WAY better! hahahaha.. i did not sleep the whole of last night la! but the previous 2 days, we'd chat and play till 4 before the whole OP goes down. haha... (no one should know this, but we slept all the way from 4 to 8am hahaha!)

i'd play ahem*psp*cough cough, with one guy then talk all night with the other. haha. their like so old already but young at heart ar. haha.. those hokkien ping. thier funny ar. (maybe tt's why they get all the hot girls and are married.) HAHAHA...

on radio today, 8 out of 10 girls go for personality, the other 2, looks. but ALL 10 loves flattery! HAHAHAHA! actually, it started with how someone smsed and said that the girl was too pretty for him, so he can't get/don't deserve her. then they start making fun of daniel ong HA! the ugly guy who got miss singapore. oO *kow tow*

anyways, i most prob might not see them again.. so sad man.. those guys were fun la. but those 2 ar... sometimes really very childish. married man quarrelling over trivial matters. silly bums! can't stand them when they do tt, the whole OP goes silent for a while, then i've to break that awkward silence. ha..

ah well, i thank God that i had fun! HOHOHO!

03/07/08

2008-07-03T22:21:00.002+08:00

ok, i've not felt this way in a long time --- having no one to talk to i turn to my blog for refuge.

just by saying that, i realised that i DO have someone to talk to - God. but... i just keep finding myself down every time i climb up to the top, not to jump off and overcome but to fall back WHACK BAM BOOM! hard on my butt.

i've been enjoying the long break from the MSK ops. but it's coming back! a greater test this time. am not looking forward to it starting all over and all too sudden. i don't know how to react and my 2 days off felt like a little..... dot..... on..... the calendar. (haha trying to describe how the 2 days felt like.)

anyways, i guess it's up to myself to keep my morale up! be strong! be strong and courageous! hohoho!

25/06/08

2008-06-25T21:01:00.004+08:00

when do you feel most alive?

God loves a mis-match.

God's seed.

God's promise to Abraham.

God's rest.

The revival of the prophetic.

To be a disciple.

i'm starting to see things fall into place.

07/06/08

2008-06-07T10:50:00.003+08:00

just realised how cheesey my entries can really be. hahahaha!

i guess they're little secrets that i keep to myself but don't mind bloggin. heh

but a blog seems like a frozen memory, frozen in time. it's funny as i go back and read all my other entries... i'm a silly boy. hahahaha..

army have been stressful.

15/05/08

2008-05-15T19:51:00.002+08:00

in a random survey in an email sent to me, this is how i prioritise my life:

love life > family > friends > work > money

and i thought it totally made sense HA! i guess life is not about work and money, in fact i'm glad whenever i can bless someone and see them happy. i've come to the understanding of how important family is, and friends, i used to be unable to live without them.

but the one thing i think about the most is just to be with someone special and close to my heart. it somehow beats family relationship cos to me, it's about building my own future.

i sure hope i get to be a great dad some day! =D

16/03/08

2008-03-16T13:59:00.002+08:00

i just see God in every area of my life.. it's like no matter how much i say, "God where are you, why this/that happened to me." yet, i see his hands upon me at the very end.

it's like a love story of falling in love over and over again. each time i quarrel with Him, he did not bother to reason with me, but allow me the time to notice His love by His grace and own timing.

many times, i just couldn't understand why it happens or what's going on, but he sends different ones, he reveals different stories that touches my heart and open my eyes to what's going on. i have to admit, even though on many occasions i say "God why aren't you speaking to me?" He's actually been talking to me all this while, if only i'd open my heart to listen.

the holy spirit... my comforter and friend, sent to be with me after christ was crucified. i thank you lord for dying on the cross for me.

13/03/08

2008-03-13T08:22:00.002+08:00

the tears that you make when you are in love,
you musn't swallow them.
the tears will freeze, and then freeze your heart as well.
so... so you can cry, with all your heart...

loving someone's so painful huh..
but life has to continue. =)

25/02/08

2008-02-25T20:00:00.002+08:00

have the day off today. ha... yet i dun feel happy nor sad about it. as usual, a desire to fulfil something yet with what i've accomplished, i just feel that it's not enough. haha..

ok, i spent most of the morning catching up on bleach then had a nap and decided to cook! haha... went down to the super market got some stuff and cooked spaghetti carbonara and whipped potato. well, the whipped potatoes for the following days inda cooked a bit too much hahaha ONE WHOLE STINKING POT!

oops. XD

changed the way i cooked my carbonara, used a different ingredient and i guess it tastes better. ha... but sinful hohoho!!

my first time making whipped potato. and i had so much fun squishing and stirring haha.. am gonna try making some deserts the next time round. and prolly chicken soup. the name of the recipe caught my eye "hearty chicken soup" hahaha.. sounds warm and loving haha..

k la, i wouldn't have updated if i did not have this much time in hand. haha.. too free.

wanna buy new comp! =D

15/02/08

2008-02-16T01:40:00.003+08:00

a week feels like forever.

been very busy, even after taking a day off, i still feel like i am losing time.

i just can't seem to keep that feeling out of my mind, no matter how hard i try. it's been this feeling for so long already and to actually try not to feel this way is just so tough. i wish time would stop at about 2yrs ago, and let me feel the way i feel all my life.

if only we do not have to grow up...

well, once again, get on with it - a daily reminder that seem to have no effect.

04/02/08

2008-02-04T09:54:00.000+08:00

hmmm... am just dreaming of things that are deep in my heart.. ha...

things unsaid and unseen. the real truth hidden, self deception.

but it was nice, cos i remember i dreamt of gabriel LOH. haha... i miss him.. and i thought i'd nvr see him again. who knew, his character, the way he looks, were exactly as how it was portrayed in my dream...

dreams are awesome.

then of course, i dreamt of things that deep in my heart i wanted it that way. and also, the reality of things that i do not want happening in the real world. ha... so there's the pros and cons huh. but it gets me mentally prepared.

the wonders of dreams.

03/02/08

2008-02-03T09:08:00.000+08:00

wow... it's already feb!! so fast!!! hahaha...

neways, i wanted to blog about yesterday cos it was an awesome day! =D

i enjoyed youth activity cos it's been some time that us youths gather together to have fun, or rather i finally got the chance to hang out with all of them. army's been busy especially the past 2 weeks, it has made me a lil sad in some ways, but i always think that it will eventually pass, so just let it pass and things'll be ok. ha...

i was really tired when i left home cos of the captain's ball.. haha.. quite physical demanding ar... but when i arrived at yishun, man, the joy of the Lord just filled me! i was sooo glad to be there! seeing everyone and finally being in the presence of God after 1 busy week. it felt so refreshing! =DDD

i just got so hooked up in worship that i could feel the spirit move. it was wonderful and the word joy just kept repeating in my heart. thank you lord.

i am really excited in what God is doing, like i've told some of you, God's showing me things even before they're preached and i am doing things even they're preached. i guess it's the reason why i feel that something's different, that God's taking every time and opportunity to speak to me.

yesterdays message really touched my heart. cos i feel called to reach out to the people around me especially the wierd people and to encourage those christians who are shy to shine their light. yesterday, as each point went up on the powerpoint, it reminded me of one person which i've reached out to, be it and outcast, a misunderstood person, a fatherless etc... God reminded me through that message that i have to be faithful!!! i have to keep calling them, and bring them to the edge continually!

i thank God, for He is good. ok, have to get ready to go to church.

28/01/08

2008-01-28T20:05:00.000+08:00

God has a bigger plan than all the little insecurities which distracts us from His great plan and purpose for our lives.

i really thank God for andre, cos of our similarities of character, we are able to constantly encourage each other and help each other. i can just sense the holy spirit's presence between us even as we speak and share about God's plans for our lives and prophesying into each other's lives.

in some way, i just want to be pushed into the dead end until i solely depend on God. until the point where there's just non left of me but the glory of God.

how i desire so much more of Him each day, and how everytime, when i do not sense His presence makes me feel insecure. let me not take for granted His presence...

how i wish i had you by my side..

2008-01-27T22:45:00.000+08:00

just lacking the fire this evening... somehow feeling this unusual lonely feeling, just out of place, like i've given up trying to fit in kinda feel.

well, the weekend's been awesome haha... i really thank God. i wished it went on all day long hohohoho...

"give me oil in my lamp keep

me burning burning burning,

give me oil in my lamp i pray.

keep me burning till the break of day..."

holy spirit, i need you soo much.. SOOOO MUCH!

22/01/08

2008-01-22T02:50:00.000+08:00

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness,

then ALL these things shall be added unto you.

it's almost 3am and i can't seem to fall asleep since 1.30... but well, this verse have been ringing through my head the whole time.

17/01/08

2008-01-17T21:07:00.000+08:00

14/01/08

2008-01-14T18:45:00.000+08:00

yesterday was awesome! i had a really tiring day/night but i had soooo much time to spend with God!

i managed to do a bible study on ruth and hannah and wow... AWESOME! it spoke to me soo much.

and i realised something i've been depressed! haha... my lack of self-esteem, the tendency to assume all kinds of feelings in which in reality the other person isn't feeling, the loneliness and confusion etc. man... but it's amazing how God still used hannah to be part of the royal bloodline.

God can use human schemes and "accidents" to fulfil his divine purpose!

my man were really obedient too haha and HILARIOUS! they literally do what i tell them to HA! the duty officer and i were laughing because of a turnout HA! i told them to wayang and they wayang a little TOO well HAHAHAHA!!!

but i thank God, warrant kang turned us out twice only. i mean for a guy who holds the record of highest number of turnouts a night! 14 TIMES! can u imagine! no sleep the whole night! and also, because i was reading a christian book, at least i was able to shine even just a little for God.

warrant kang was surprised to find out i was a christian.

well... it was a real torture at night trying to stay awake. my duty was from 2-6am. i did not want my man to do it cos i'm afraid that they'd be too tired for training today and the guard 2i/c had to stand sentry at 7am so... i volunteered ha... I REGRET!

i konked out at 4am head knocked back, mouth prolly wide open, dead asleep HA! thank god no one saw me HEH! maybe the newspaper guy. he must have been laughing. man...

but i just want to thank God for His favour especially in camp. thank you lord. it is really good to walk in the lord and see his blessings everyday! =D

2008-01-07T13:51:00.000+08:00

last wednesday, while i was seeking God, i felt 2 things impressed upon my heart by the holy spirit.

first, The Anointing of Moses.
there are people among us who will rise, great leaders of our generation. they will be the ones who will shout out to satan "LET MY GENERATION GO!"

yet up till now, they are asking God how?
like moses, he asked God how? God gave him Aaron and a staff. in the same way God's going to give these people a heart of intersession, a new passion and desire. these people are going to intercede for their generation, to break the youth of this generation free from satan's hold!

i really wanna be of tt plan...

well... God's gonna bless pple as well! just like joseph! remember how successful joseph was because God's favour was upon Him. God delighted in Him.

those who longs fulfilment, seek to please God, cos only when u touch His heart and please Him then will His favour be upon u and His blessings showered upon u. You do not even need to pray for blessings, but pray to bless His heart, ask him, "who can i bless today?" or "How can i touch your heart?" give God all u have, be it the pair of hands or legs he has given you. give it your all in worship.

then u'll see fulfilment and blessings come your way.

yea... this were the 2 things i felt in my heart... the same excitement i felt like before so much i couldn't sleep haha...

thank you Lord.

26/12/07

2007-12-27T00:47:00.000+08:00

finally i get to go kai kai!!! hahaha.. been soo long, and no one to go out with! i sure had fun tonight! thx!! =D

ok something random
bravery... there are so many different types of bravery.

used in common context,
brave to stand up,
brave to be different,
brave to dream.

but some uncommon ones,
brave to be loving,
brave to grow from being timid,
brave to be thoughtful,

ha.. peter pan.

25/12/07

2007-12-25T12:20:00.000+08:00

for 2 consecutive nights.. i dreamt of u. the dreams just gave me soo much hope. it made me smile in the morning.

dreams are so real to me at times, it really brings out my true thoughts of the person i dream of. both good and bad, the good, just make them look so perfect and the bad, just makes me sad or breaks my heart. but dreams are wonderful still.

i dreamt of you... haha. it felt like we were only 14... but in reality, u grow up so fast... no matter how much i try to catch up i can't. u seem to mature way faster than me, and ur group of friends change faster than i can catch up. u just move higher when i finally reached where u initially were.

i just can't grow up fast enough. everyone calls me a small boy.. even in camp.. haha... oh well.. i'll just have to move on.

i miss you

christmas just don't feel like christmas this yr... i realised that as i grow up, christmas becomes more and more of a birthday. normal, day with pple just wishing you here and there. i miss the celebrations, the mass of people jam packed in a house, the noise, the children messing up the room.

christmas died this year.

16/12/07

2007-12-15T22:50:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was at yishun real early, went to catch warlords with fab and ash ha.. quite a good show, but i dislike shows with sad endings... ha...

neways, was at church about 3+ and i decided to spend some time with God before pre-service prayer and service. so i sat there as the band rehearsed.

well... the Lord spoke about something, i suddenly changed my mind about bloggin it haha..

neways, i am AMAZED at what the camp has done to all of you! the atmosphere is different!

just weeks ago, looking at everyone, (not just people from our church, christians) i was crying out in my heart "GRASP HOLD!!! if you don't your're gonna miss it!"

for some of you whom i have talked to, you know that i told u about how much i wanted pple around to grasp hold of it. THERE IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS TIME!

i was SOOOOO excited when nigel shared! it was affirming! GRASP HOLD GRASP HOLD! these were the words of desperation running through my heart and mind to ALL of YOU! i just did not want to say it. but i think i've blogged about it before, weeks back.

this time round, i'm sooo happy that things have changed, most of you have already realised that something's gonna happen. most of you have grasped hold of it.

and now, what's been running through my heart, is "gabriel, hang in there... HANG IN THERE!"

so much for shouting 'grasp hold' when now i'm fighting to hang on to what God wants to do. and it surprised me when the message shared about the same thing at one point.

God's speaking to me continuously, and it's amazing. remember i blogged about how it takes JUST ONE person? yea... amazing..

hang in there...

the long war...

2007-12-08T22:29:00.000+08:00

feels like the war's over.

i have no idea why i cried so much, or so long. i just felt something during worship and i told God, "don't give up on me, it's not over yet. i'm not giving up on my pursuit of you too."

some of u may have heard me telling you before, i wish i could cry. it feels like i cried years of tears. many times i cried out to God, but there were no sound, no tears. i just want to cry but i can't. today, i just kept grabbing hold of him. what ever i could hold on, i made sure i grip hold of it; the tip of his fingers, the end of his robe, his shadow. i just wanted him.

many things i can't break off, things of the past, habits, hooked onto things. my flesh and spirit have fought many wars and my spirit grew weary over time. time and time again, i gave in to my the lies of my flesh, i listen to the excuses my flesh have to say and forget that i belong wholly to God.

after all that crying i felt so light, something's been lifted off my chest. i really long for a breakthrough in things i fight with. they're bad stuff i'm ashamed of, and they are things that lived with me for so long... finally, it feels like the fight's over.

after more than 7 years of war,

victory belongs once again to Christ.

07/12/07

2007-12-07T20:00:00.000+08:00

this week have been real slow and rather tough on me. but yesterday i had lots of fun raiding 2 SIR hohoho!! it was my first time and it was rather exciting. i feel like a big shot HA!

and then as usual, today i did something stupid again and i'm wondering if i should have done it or not. word is spreading fast about me. i was just angry la, at that point of time.. however, i'm like and idol to my man now. haha... what i did, i should never do again but through this, one of my man (the ocs dropout one) said to me and as he said it, it sent goosebumps up my shoulders.

"all it takes is a catalyst for a revolution. you have just sparked something off and we'll follow ur steps in.........."

all it takes is a catalyst. what he said made a lot of sense. all it takes is you, or me. one person to hunger for God so much that there will be a visitation of His glory! and when His glory comes, IT WILL SPREAD LIKE A WILDFIRE AND PEOPLE ALL OVER WILL RISE UP! isn't this an amazing word from him? it stirred me up! God used Him to remind me. all it takes is ONE person, dead in the flesh, from which the glory of God will manifest!

man, i stood there thanking God. and repented of what i did in the afternoon. what my senior did, awakened the berserker in me. a point where i am fearless, pumped up with new energy despite my tiredness and raging with anger. well, at least i have the respect of all my man.

they came up to me shook my hand and some pounded their chest saying "wah sergeant, i respect you. why didn't you beat him up!?" hahahaha! somehow, i felt encouraged and more at ease. my senior's just too full of himself and arrogant. but yea... i guess i had already forgave him from the moment my anger dissipated, i know i'll still treat him as a senior and friend with respect come this monday.

03/11/07

2007-12-03T22:32:00.000+08:00

well, back to stay in for the next 2 weeks... i feel a lil horrible haha..

but i had an awesome night! went down to causeway to meet beniah, bernice with dot. i mean, it's good to see pple from church not just on the weekends, how i wish, every other day too. i enjoyed my dinner with them.

time went by real slowly which is a good thing! haha... i have to go back soon. feeling all mixed inside, i feel both warmth and loneliness and some sort of coldness inside. see, mixed confused feelings. i have no reason to feel this way and i dunnoe why... it feels nice and uncomfortable at the same time. ha...

well... i can't wait to sleep. gonna go back early and catch some ZZZs.. ha.. tmr i've got an IPPT cat test again, MAN!

k la... looking forward to the weekends. it's such a joy just to see all of you.

03/11/07

2007-12-03T00:16:00.000+08:00

i wrote the previous blog entry below before i went for evening cos as i left morning service, i just was remembered about how his love has changed me and guess what!? evening service was about God's transforming love!!! AMAZING!

the lord has actually been speaking to me about this area the past month. about seeking his face and not his hands of blessings. cos what he has is already ours, seek his face. and when we start to grow hungry for God, that is when His glory is going to come. and when His glory come, things beyond what you can fanthom will happen! HALELLUJAH!

God's going to do amazing things in this time, and this keeps running through my heart, GRASP HOLD OR YOU'LL MISS OUT! i can't stand it. cos we're still not taking God's calling seriously! i want to see it happen, and i want all of you to be part of it! i'm just way too excited, i have run out of outlets to share what God is doing, i dunnoe who to tell, and so i blog hahaha...

seek his face. run for His love, and things of this world will fade away.

i'm not perfect, just like all of u, a sinner. God, put to death more of me! i know of feelings and certain habits that God has already put to death in me, and the more he puts to death, the more i see him. be prepared my friends, prepare yourself for his glory!

i'm ready to preach a sermon!

02/11/07

2007-12-02T15:59:00.000+08:00

for the past week, God's been awesome! he's been great. he has open my eyes to things i've never known about Him. he's showing more about him, helping me understand his heart.

the lord's joy, has seen me through every sadness, loneliness and days of heartache. in the ultimate end, it's still the love of God!

as i wait upon Him, things of this world gently fade away.
all my sorrows, all my pain, all of it, he took away.
he opened my eyes to things i can never dream of,
open my mind to see things i can never imagine.
he has done such a work in me, i'm forever changed.
seek his face, seek his heart, just focus on the one who bear it all
just so that u could live.

this is my God, this is my true love.
he is my joy, he is my peace.
the more he puts to death my flesh,
the more i grow closer to him.
i adore u.
the more you amaze me, the more i fall in love with you.
you are awesome, you are amazing, you are my God.

i'm half a man,

come make me whole.

28/11/07

2007-11-28T23:09:00.000+08:00

NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY MUST SHE DIE!!!!!

just watched bridge to terabithia. why did leslie burks die!!! ah!!! it just shattered my heart...

watching the show, seeing their friendship grow and leslie's cheerfulness, i just can't helped but get absorbed by the show. it's sucha wonderful show... gonna watch it like 10 times over la!

annasophia robb, she's lovely. she reminds me of kiera knightly! haha.. after watching love actually, i can't help but think of kiera in almost anything that reminds me of her hahaha.. annasophia's gonna be the next kiera knightly when she grows up! =D love her huge eyes! haha..

ANDRE!! why u tell me about this show, now i can't sleep cos LESLIE DIED! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

26/11/07

2007-11-26T20:41:00.000+08:00

woohoohooooo! it sure feels good to have the power! HOHOHO!!! it's so easy to get work done for me now. heh! just "hey u go do this, u, do that." hahahaha!!!

this week's gonna be fun and slack. but it wont last long... next week it's gonna be back to stay in days. i'm a little worried about who my bunk mates will be and if i'll get to clique with em. i really hope things go fine. haha.. i'm always worrying about this, but things always turn out fine.

i want to start all over again and do my best. =)

-

why no one's picking my call!!! ha... act cute *pouts* hohohoho!

24/11/07

2007-11-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

today's gotta be one of the best days of my life! haha!! i loved my day.

my one and only, young time bext friend was at church with me, and the performances and dances were superb!

i could sense the presence of God so strongly in that place. He was just sweeping through, up and down. it just felt so good to be there. i dunnoe what to say. it was awesome. today was awesome! =D

23/11/07

2007-11-23T23:27:00.000+08:00

TAO POK!

haha.. wait till i get the pictures! hahaha!! it's ultimate man! we had one whole night of non-stop tao pok, so much a war broke out and bunk doors were lock, bunk mates left stranded outside the bunks were left to........ die.

HAHAHAHA!!! we tao poked 3 of our sergeants. the first was funny, i locked him in the bunk and the rest just pounced on him, it's like in those movie scenes where my sergeant is thrown into a cage of carnivorous zombies! HAHAHA!! i remember how he stretched his hand out desperately for the door as i was closing it.

what was ultimate were the looks on sergeant marcus and chua's face when they got tao poked. it's a nvr-seen-before face on marcus (why am i still calling him sergeant? WUAHAHAHA!!) he was like all... BLUR! hahaha.. sergeant waheed had to help him up while i spread the toothpaste all over his face hahahaha!!

sergeant chua was tao poked, striped and had powder and cold water thrown on him hahaha!! and it was soooo funny! after we were done, all of us scrambled back into the bunks and DISAPPEARED! HAHAHA!! he din know what hit him HA! ultimate! WOOOOO!!!

today's just awesome yet tiring. there are soo many things that we did JUST BECAUSE WE CAN! HOHOHOHO!!! we walked into the orderly room without asking permission for fun, some went to the canteen to eat even though we were served food at the cook house and a lot of other dumb stuff haha..

ah well, it feels somewhat good la. looking forward to a fun week next week. i'm not yet moving to my new unit but gonna participate in the games day as a mascot HA!

18/11/07

2007-11-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

and a new week begins!

i wonder why, but i'm starting to find a little trend about sundays. somehow, i tend to feel really empty inside or sometimes, emotionally dry and at other times, i find myself trying so hard to reach a distant god.

well, am still finding answers. but i am motivated and encourage by a lot of other things. i'm running after his glory, to seek his face cos i desire to see the nations run to him as well. it's a desire of my heart, and i hope this dream would never die down.

i finally understand the word spoken to me years ago.

"you have a soft heart. you already know your calling and what you're gonna do is beyond what you can fanthom and if god were to show you, you will burn up."

i'm just living each day to finally see this day come to past. i really pray sooooo hard that i wont slow down in my pursuit of him. i'm afraid i might, but i'm not going to let it happen at all cost!

do keep me in prayer. i wanna do my best for my king, my father and my love.

17/11/07

2007-11-17T00:04:00.000+08:00

why is it that the setting of every movie i'm watching is like the near christmas period? (been renting movies the past 2 weekends.) hahaha.. what are the chances!

maybe i DO need a holiday away from all these. heh, it's not about army but some other stuff. maybe it'll be a great adventure. but guess i'm stuck in the army huh. =P

ok, what shall i do tmr!

16/11/07

2007-11-16T20:01:00.000+08:00

for your joy is so abundant and so is your love.
how i long for you every single day.
how i long to see your glory and see your face.
put to death more of me! so that your glory may manifest through me!

how great is our god! =D

i've hit my personal best just this thurs 10.16 for 2.4km!!! =DDD but still... no gold!! ARGH!!!
gold = $200
silver = $100

ok la, 100's enough. and i cant wait to get my new uniform sewed!!! my new rank, my badges WHOO!!! exciting!!! =DDD

i'm looking forward to next week! u'll all get to see my one and only best friend. though now, we're like long lost friend. he's my only best friend i've ever had. one i trusted, one who'd never betray, who would take the blame for me, one who would protect me, and more than a brother, i'd stand up and fight for him. =D my best friend. 1996 - 1999.

10/11/07

2007-11-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

why do you grow up so fast... please don't... please...

"he has a mysterious power, he makes others want to bet their hopes on him."

just help me go on...

08/11/07

2007-11-08T09:39:00.000+08:00

greytigerwithblackstripes.carryingmeonit'sback.tpjc-toapayohjc!?HAHAHA!.pamlee.missfoong.alltherandomchurchpeople.chubee?.lolbeeleng.istilllovethetigerride.

all in a dream.

07/11/07

2007-11-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

wow wee! i love pistols! they're so much more fun to fire with compared to rifles! rifles are BORING!

well... today's simply horrible yet enjoyable! it did not really affected me in a big way or what, but i just couldn't wait to get out of camp.

and now, i'm at a lost at what to do... i've got to stinking sign extra this sunday for getting my rifle stolen by a sergeant last week... man.. real sad...

oh well... but last night was awesome! our first worship/cell group meeting! exciting! we used the malay prayer room HOHOHO! and guess who would suggest such a thing - the most defiant, daring one HA! ME! =P

haha.. somehow i amaze the sergeants cos they think i'm like real daring la, HAHA smiling in the face of danger, do i even fear? HA! whatever la! now i've got the whole pack of sergeants getting me for every single thing! ha.. but i enjoy they're company and attention at times la HEH! they're real nice, but sgt chua!! argh! he can be real nice or extremely bad to me la! sign extra... sob... and i can't stand it when they all laugh at me! ARH!!!!!! my SUNDAY!!!!

"gabriel, why you do right, do wrong also smile one ah?"

-sgt marcus

HA!

04/11/07

2007-11-04T12:31:00.000+08:00

talking about the holy spirit. man that encouraged me! remember one of my previous entries? i dun care how much i've failed, but with the holy spirit in me, i can accomplish even greater things!

i loved my night. i can't wait to meet God, to feel Him once again, to know His plans, to feel His love - to be in His presence once again.

how wonderful u are Lord. i love you.

28/10/07

2007-10-28T14:05:00.000+08:00

woo! i'm like really excited about what god's doing la! i can't wait for next week. =D i dunnoe what it'll be like, if i'd be able to share or not, but kannan's gonna come! been so long since he last joined us at edge.

anyone who's reading this, do continue to keep me in prayer. i really believe that god is gonna do a work in all the youths and we'll see each one rising up. it's just marvelous; what god is doing.

keep me in prayer. =)

Don't Know Much
by Aaron Neville

Look at this face, I know the years are showing.
Look at this life, I still don't know where it's going.
I don't know much but I know I love you.
That may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes, they never see what matters.
Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.
I don't know much but I know I love you.
That may be all I need to know.

So many questions still left unanswered.
So much I've never broken through.
And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly.
The only truth I'll ever know is me and you.

Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration.
Look at this soul,searching for salvation.
I don't know much but I know I love you.
That may be all I need to know.

I don't know much but I know I love you.
That may be all I need to know.
I don't know much but I know I love you
That may be all there is to know.

love the oldies. heard this song over the radio, nice.

27/10/07

2007-10-27T09:19:00.000+08:00

didn't expect field camp to be rather fun. however, it was really tiring as well.

2 times when i felt like dying haha, it would be building the PW cage (prisoner of war) and dismantling the MG pit after building it. (machine gun)

we built our pw cage under the hot afternoon sun. man... with the sound beating down on us, constructing a cage took twice the time we did before. by the time it was complete, i had a slight tan mark from my helmet and i prolly drank a whole jerry can of water hohoho..

it's 3 missions in 30 hrs, so my second mission started at 10pm and ended at 4am by the time at about 3am when i was taking down all the sandbags, i fell asleep while standing! HAHAHA!! sandbags are like almost 20kg per bag, imagine we're supposed to carry 250 of em, but it was reduced to 150 so it's still like almost 3tons of sand!

-

well.. i got to think about a lot of things on all our toner and bus rides haha... i suddenly realised a similarity in the things i say at every part of my life and realised that i've got to change it.

when i was in school, i remember mentioning, "i can't wait for the 3 yrs to past." now in the army i'd say "i can't wait to ord."

all we do is just look forward to the end but we did not realised that once it ends, it ends. i was feeling a little sad about how i'd never be in school again, be in a setting where everyone's wearing uniform, sitted in neat rows, with a teacher teaching etc.

also, on our second night, we gathered to cook maggie mee haha... with our mess tins and solid fuel.. brings back lots of memories. scouts, east timor... all these will never come back..

so i realised that i have to treasure every moment, cos now that i'm in MP, i realised i missed my sispec days even though they were tough and i can't wait to get out of there. therefore, i should just enjoy my days in MPTS cos it won't come back again once i pass out.

this have actually make me treasure every moment with my bunk mates, and made me want to work harder than to just smoke everything else haha...

ok, this entry may be a bit messy cos like i've told some of you before, i'm not so good at describing my thouhts as much as i can do last time. haha.. i dunnoe why.

21/10/07

2007-10-21T20:31:00.000+08:00

so fast!! and it's almost time to book in.. man.. ha... back to tekong! ha.. can't wait to get it over with.

ok, i kinda did not want to go to church today, ha... but somehow, i still did. and today, the lord reminded me of the joy of giving. =) what a joy it is to see the smile on someone's face or to hear the word "thanks".

i can't wait for next weekend! can't wait to be with everyone. can't wait for all these to be over...

lord, see me through.

19/10/07

2007-10-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

well.. this week, though a 4 day week, went by real slow... i looked forward to book out a lot and today, everything just went wrong, end GPMG firing early but book out the latest.

and the day before, i just got 1 tum jia lat jia lat. man.. my morale's like real low la.. ha... but finally... after a long 4 day week... things passed soooooo slooooow... argh!

back to tekong.. next week.. arh... my morale's really low la... i'm just spaced out most of the time, hoping that time would fly while i'm dreaming hahaha... dreamt that i was back in school last night. wonderful dream, i woke up with that tingly feeling in my heart hahaha...

miss MI, hate studying.

tt reminds me, HA! MY EXAM! so dumb la.. the military police paper... i fell asleep when they were revising.. am gonna fail... i tried to stay awake already, but that was like my extreme end of needing sleep. i did not even realised that i fell asleep la! -_-"

15/10/07

2007-10-15T14:38:00.000+08:00

oh my!! i need to find a codd-neck bottle!!

being a sentimental person, i have this sudden need to search for a codd-neck bottle because it brings back memories.. of what, i dunnoe, but there's that feeling of nostalgia and a blurred memory of a codd-neck bottle.

i was watching this really sweet anime called lamune. ha.. too bad i did not really have a childhood like theirs, am a little jealous, though when i used to live in pandan, we were a really small and close community, like tt of a kampong, so me appearing at anyone of my friend's house became so common, it's like walking into ur own home haha.. same goes to my friends, entering my house.

our doors a seldom locked, only at night. the rest of the evening, we'd be at the playground or at someone's house. i really miss those days... it's as if we shared homes. girls and boys mix as if we're of a single gender. we were really close.

my friends from PAP... it's so sad i dun remember a single one of them. i really wonder if there was a way i could find them... any one of em, especially those that sat with me on the same table. though i only remember 2 girls of everyone else HAHA!! one gave me sweets, the other helped me with my work cos i was blind ha... my degree was so high, i could barely see anything on the board, and so, she'd do my work for me once the teacher's not around.

it's just so sweet of her, like that in the anime i'm watching. i only remember girls being so sweet only when i was young... hardly see any girls that way anymore.. heh... =P

i guess doing sweet things for people isn't part of our culture anymore.. cos it just means something else haha... time's changed.

maybe that's why i wish to live in the countryside...

13/10/07

2007-10-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

fell asleep with the itunes on again last night. ha.. makes me feel good, at ease. knowing i'm on my bed, at home once again.

like i said, i look forward to the weekends and so this week flew by the fastest of all weeks in my army life. i remember thinking of sunday as if it happened yesterday on wednesday night. and 2 days later, i'm out of camp. ha...

i treasure every minute, every second, being at home, on my bed resting or what so ever. this weekend's gonna be great! (i hope so!) i've got an off day on monday and so i'd get to spend a whole sunday at church, and dinner with everyone and all! hahaha...

well.. i pray all goes well this weekend.

stir up my creativity.

07/10/07

2007-10-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

woke up at 2am plus in the morning to the chorus of this song.

"because you live, and breathe,

because you make me believe in myself,

when nobody else can help.

because you live, girl,

my world, has twice as many stars in the sky."

ha... i love the chorus. bmt first ippt test, sispec, 28km route march. "you made me believe in myself, because you live..."

talking about the 28km route march, i thank god i've never got to do it again haha... imagine signallers and commandos, 72km HA! phew, i could've gotten into signaller.

i'm just so proud that i completed it. also thanks to my commander, who pushed me, taunted me, whatever it was. i remember the feeling of relief the next morning when i was going home, how i could barely walk, blisters on my feet, abrasion on my groin, back, shoulder, legs muscles ached. had to squeeze into the bus with all our barang barang. PASS OUT! wooo... that's the feeling, haha. mixed. excited about going to my unit too. chatting and laughing at each other cos we could barely walk out HAHAHAHA!!!

i remember competing with gab yang haha.. we were like snails walking out. that's the last i saw him.. after 4 months, gone... my bmt buddy.. ha... miss my bmt mates...

well! i'm a really happy person! =DD i'm just looking forward to every weekend. no matter how tough training may be, the thought of the weekends would pull me through. a reason to live, a reason to push myself, i'm so excited! 6 more weeks to my next promotion! =D

ever as before,

ever a surprise.

04/10/07

2007-10-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

it's already october. time sure flies. this week went by fast. booking out tmr.

lord, i need ur help. just a split second and everything turned bad.

-

haha... oh well, i'm not so mad at what happened earlier already. this week went by real fast, however, days have been rather boring ha.. we ended up drawing on our exercise books given to us to record notes hahaha... i decided to write a few haikus here and there, wanna try a terzanelle someday hahaha... we did origami with the paper too. a lot of nonsense la! hahaha!!

i enjoyed all that slack moment. so fast, and it's been more than a month since i went into mp command. fast.... 3 more weeks and back to tekong for me.. haha...

well, i hope my man arent those type described by my sergeants hahaha funny, but i'll suffer if our section had em hoho...

ok la, shall prepare to go back to camp.

looking forward for each day to past.

a day closer..

30/09/07

2007-09-30T21:01:00.000+08:00

i feel so blessed this week!

-

i thank god for andre and mark, of course darren too! =D but on thursday night, we really met god. i mean, andre mark and i, we prayed together and it felt so wonderful. you guys make me look forward to camp! i'm excited and full of hope of what God's gonna do in the next few weeks!

i dun have much time. need to go already hahaha...

i'm glad just seeing you around.

23/09/07

2007-09-23T19:10:00.000+08:00

it's gonna be another long week, and sure i've enjoyed this weekend lots. i'm gonna miss the usual few as i've always had.

'smile'... =D it means so much to me these few weeks. be it mine, urs or any others, it's contagious.

i just pray, that next week would past fast, cos for the past 2 weeks, time really fly so slowly..

my prayer for this week would be that lord, help me pursue purity. let it be my desire. i surrender my life, my thoughts my feelings and all i am to u. u take the lead. =)

you have the power

to make me smile.

be safe.

22/09/07

2007-09-22T22:23:00.000+08:00

i thank god for wonderful bunk mates. they are so encouraging and supportive. especially, when i did something stupid like suggesting stand by bed in 10mins hahaha.. i mean, is it so hard to pack ur locker and ur bunk should be clean! =P

brought darrenkane to komalas today, and thanks ar, bring ur gf along. haha... thank goodness she's a chatty one, or i'd be real quiet. well,(if u're reading this) i've to say, u've got one wonderful girlfriend, hahaha... chatty, lively and cheerful. =)

at least now i have a friend to explore the wonders in singapore hahaha.. we share rather same interest in food and exploration. and thanks to darren, i've got a new found interest in cooking ha! i can roughly cook carbonara now, though it's not tt perfect heh.

-

haha... today's message was soo funny and so true. also, jeremy and i are so alike la! haha.. my bunk mates can testify to that lol. not tt i talk alot about girls la, but i do a lot of dreaming HAHAHA!! like a perfect moment, like as if things would happen like that in a movie. hahaha.. hopeless romantic dreamer HAHAHA or like what they'd call me, snag - sensitive new age guy. whether it's good or bad i dunnoe hahaha.. but i dream of very classic kind of settings hahaha...

well, i have fun in camp, especially with my bunk mates! =D

16/09/07

2007-09-16T19:04:00.000+08:00

guard duty yesterday, 7am till 8am today.

the day past both fast and slow. ha... time flew fast, but the 24hrs made it slow. was rather fun. we had tv, aircon and all, and on guard, time flew fast. as a sentry, i stood at my post and stare, stare into blank space and began doing loads of reflecting. was rather interesting how i start to see works being done in my life.

just on friday, i wrote on how i want to change my life, how i look towards the hope in me. last night, 2 person, not knowing what each other said, told me things about me that were edifying, things i did not know were sooo important and useful for myself.

well, one said i had a talent cos i can "file" people up in my memory and when i need to, i can open these "files" and flip through the pages and recall things about them i need. he said i should go into business.

the other, as we were talking said i should go into marketing, cos i can make people around me trust me in a very short time. "it's a rare talent". wow... it sure made me feel good about myself and help me understand myself more.

i smile more these days, all thanks to God. his presence's so real even in camp. every night, i look forward to spending time with him, thanking him for the day and all he's done.

i thank him for all the people i love, for the favours poured upon me. i'm starting to not look down on myself. there's something i just want to prove i just dunnoe how and when, but i want to make something out of my life.

even though i failed A'levels, it doesn't make me smaller or lousier in any way compared to anyone. let what my mom say be what she say, let how people look at me, be what they see as my potential.

i believe in my dreams, no matter how idealistic they are.

14/09/07

2007-09-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

god has been great through this time.

i've decided to let go of many feelings, sadness, loneliness, some others, and hand it to god every night before i sleep. i love the nights just before lights out, i'd chat, laugh then a sudden silence would settle and then, i'd start to turn to the bible, and to god, and i'd feel this great peace in my heart.

i thank god lots, for pulling me through, running, walking enduring with me.

i see his hands on me, the friends, the sergeants, everything!

-

today i cooked carbonara, i've gained a new interest in cooking after learning that some of my favourite food can be cooked at home without the need of purchasing them! i learned to cook carbonara from a bunk mate, and now, i'm sooo interested in cooking, i'm gonna learn one new recipe every week! =DD

i just want to change my life, from games, to cooking, doing up paper collage, reading and gaining general knowledge, reading god's word and growing up. haha... went through all my cards, and i see lots of "please grow up gab haha!" hahaha...

i want to start painting a picture of my life, a new one. i look forward to each day, to see my life changed, it feels like my life's suddenly filled with lots of hope. i praise god! he makes me smile, he gives me friends who makes me smile too.

i pray this carries on, and at the end, i'd be a new person. even lay kuen was teasing me, as we went shopping for groceries. hahaha.. i've become.... homely? is there such a word? haha i dunnoe. but tt's what she describes me. haha... i thank god for my friends, pple like her, since yr 2, lay kuen, kailing, kannan, u all have been a blessing in my life.

ok, time for bed, i've got guard duty tmr... there goes sat. ha...

12/09/07

2007-09-12T13:15:00.000+08:00

last night i had a wild dream hahahaha... as usual, being chased. an adrenaline pumping dream haha...

i was suppose to be brought in by some bad guys, (not sure who they are) but apparently, the guy escorting me is some blur fat guy so i ran away and he noticed after like 10 seconds haha.. so i kept running and hiding until i woke up.

then the dream continued.

2 of my friends were taken into custody (1 guy and a girl) cos i ran away. so now, should i go back and save them or what? i kept calling one of them but no answer. suddenly i was back in camp, and apparently in the dream, the baddies were recruiting people from the MP camp, cos of our high clearance level. so i was thinking if i should join and save my friends but i chose not to.

i woke up, full of regret... i should have played my dream like a game and see what would've happened if i saved them.. and it so happen, those 2 of my friends caught, were rather important ones to me.

-

haha.. book out for medical review. =P

i really thank God for the past few days. i was feeling rather sad, however, i thank God for the friends i've made, my bunk mates and all. they are cool pple. in fact, one of them got me sooooo interested in cooking, am gonna cook SPAGHETTI CARBONARA THIS WEEK! =P

BUT! i've got guard duty this sat... ARGH! no matter! I AM still gonna cook it! and if it's good, i'd invite some of u over for lunch one day hohoho!!

days pass by rather slowly... it's only wednesday... ha... well.. i look forward to dinner cos after tt there's nothing much to do. and then, time for dreams!! whee!!

i thank God, for his joy, and peace in my heart... so many things, so many thoughts, but i lift them up to the lord, and his peace just filled my heart. thank you!

spending lots of time on the word these past few nights, and i enjoyed every moment of it. praise him!

thinking of u lots.

09/09/07

2007-09-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

today's sermon's really good. it's like i totally agree. though for me, i'm not dealing with foreigners but those whom others condemn. they may think i'm crazy, (right ernest? haha) but they become some of ur most trusted friends.

they become people who will stand by ur side, who respects u and pull u through tough times. well.. i guess i was once that alien so i know. =P

-

it's like suddenly my dreams, my visions were all dampened. like reality sinking into my idealistic picturesque future.

life in future just would never seem to be nice and beautiful and carefree as i think it'll be. so what if NS is tough, as if work is gonna be any easier. or studying, all the research, all the new people u'd meet at the start of every module.

who'd pull me through? well... my parents can't live till the day i die. i can't help it, but i've been running for so long, i still want to run.

well, the bible says not to worry, i kept asking god for peace but i just can't help feel this way.

-

Everyday
high school musical 2

Once in a lifetime
means there’s no second chance.
so I believe than you and me
should grab it while we can.
Make it last forever
and never give it back.
It’s our turn, and I’m loving’ where we’re at.
Because this moment’s really all we have.

Everyday
of our lives,
wanna find you there, wanna hold on tight.
Gonna run,
While we’re young,
and keep the faith.
Everyday,
From right now,
gonna use our voices and scream out loud.

Take my hand;
together we will celebrate.
celebrate.
Oh, everyday.
They say that you should follow,
and chase down what you dream.
but if you get lost and lose yourself,
what does is really mean?

oh.
No matter where we’re going,
ooh yeah.
it starts from where we are.
There’s more to life
when we listen to our hearts.
and because of you, I’ve got the strength to start.
yeah, yeah, yeah!

Everyday
of our lives,
wanna find you there,
wanna hold on tight.
Gonna run,
while we’re young,
and keep the faith.

oh.
Everyday.
from right now,
gonna use our voices and scream out loud.
Take my hand;
together we
will celebrate,

Oh, everyday

We’re taking it back,
we’re doing it here,
together.

It’s better like that,
and stronger now,
than ever.

We’re not gonna lose.
cause we get to choose.
that’s how it’s gonna be!
Everyday
of our lives,
wanna find you there,
wanna hold on tight.

Gonna run,
while we’re young,
And keep the faith.
Keep the faith!

Everyday,
of our lives,
wanna find you there,
wanna hold on tight.

Gonna run,
[gonna run]
while we’re young,
and keep the faith.

oh yeah, yeah.

Everyday,
[everyday]
from right now,
[right now]
gonna use our voices
and scream out loud.
Take my hand;
[take my hand]
together we
will celebrate,

Everyday!

a contradicting entry hohoho!!!

2007-09-06T16:51:00.000+08:00

time's flying by real nice and slow for these 3 days. enjoyed myself everyday.

however, there's this sudden feeling of "it's been so long since i last..." see you? talk to you? see you laugh? see you smile? hear your voice.

how slowly time flies... (HA!)

i want to be outside. i feel like a boy eager to travel and see the world yet unconfident of doing it alone.

i don't know who i can call. haha.. actually i know of some but they're in camp. ernest would eagerly go fishing, tai yong to explore pungol, kam wai's MIA. aww... haha... having a part time girl friend now wouldn't be too bad a thing if she'd just follow me around hohoho!

ah well.. i can't wait till ns's over ha! long way. but i'd most prob be going to indonesia. have been thinking about it. wanna see what my ex-maid's doing there, stay a month or so there. it'll be fun.

-

i miss baby ray. he makes me smile.

05/07/09

2007-09-05T20:08:00.000+08:00

time sure flies...

4 yrs since my grandpa passed away, which is about the same time esther and i got together.

and about a yr and half later, we broke up. now i'm in the army, and all these felt just not too long ago. ever since i entered the army, i kept thinking about time. how short time is and how i can make full use of it.

i've been definitely putting in lots of effort to make sure i make full use of my days. however, days still pass by rather fast. time's short...

-

stayed over at jadon's yesterday, went swiiming in the morning. haha.. we made our own musical fountain video. hilarious.

oh well... thinking of what i should do tmr. i should've just left myself behind at bugis junction... i want to be around pple...

life's rather lonely when there's no school.

04/09/07

2007-09-04T20:57:00.000+08:00

ah... what a wonderful day. at least i made full use of today.

today was rather fun, went fishing with ernest. spent almost the whole afternoon at bedok jetty. the day went by real slow, (which is good) but it's the end of my first day of leave... somehow, i am not looking forward to booking in on friday even though it is just for 1 day...

unit life IS good haha... but i still feel the pressure of staying inside.. maybe i've not yet made friends.. hopefully things get better.

have to start planning for tmr and thursday already. am going to jadon's place later stay over and play haha.. but i'm a lil too tired actually.. feel like sleeping...

oh well.. lord... just be with me.

how i long for your love.

04/09/07

2007-09-04T00:35:00.000+08:00

tyong.blogspot.com

if yer wanna know how things are, u can read his blog too. haha.. it further elaborates. i feel the same way sometimes too. reading his blog makes me feel that i'm not alone. we've pushed each other through, now we've gone our separate ways. do continue to shine like u did in bslc. God's gonna use you to encourage others with his word. =)

neways, now, in mp, i can throw away everything i've learn't about being an infantry. (which is kind of a bummer...) and now, in the next 11 weeks, i'll be training for real operations. it'll be exciting but scary too.

being in a unit is really good. life's good. but looking at my living conditions and all... things kinda feel depressing once again... bein in a training school suddenly feels better. i've enjoyed my days in pasir lebar. sispec was fun.

pple in unit grow fat hahahaha!! random.

3 days of leave. there's something i really wanna do. see if i'd got the guts ha!

night.

02/09/07

2007-09-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

OOPS!

haha.. i forgot that i made this blog public. had to do some editing and cutting from things that should not be made known HAHAHA! it's a talk only between a few of us. anyway, after seeing my results, i'm also not so confident. haha... got a B- not too bad la... could've gotten a nicer grade, 3% more...

ok, so i'm frustrated that my gortex flew away. ARGH! it's expensive man... and it's part of my field equipment.. i thought i told my mom.. yet she hanged it outside without even zipping it up... ARGH!!! i feel like smashing my head against the wall.

tmr... hope the next 2-3months would be a good and enjoyable one.

need to get some sleep. i'm still not done packing. no mood to and i refuse to. irritated.

ah well... good night.

it's been a nice weekend. =)

01/09/07

2007-09-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

well... it's back to camp on monday. i'm glad, it's monday morning hohoho.

ok, i've decided to bring back my blog. =)

i've got to understand myself more over the past few weeks. (since my blog went away) haha.. i'd nvr delete my blog. u know, i'm a sentimental person. (maybe that's why i can never get my room cleared.) well.. i've realised how my blog actually DO affect me in some way. ha.. but now tt i know, i'll start working on changing for the better. =)

things are good so far. posted to MP (military police). things are gonna get much more interesting =D

just want to see ya'all smile

at least once. =)

19/08/07

2007-08-19T20:40:00.000+08:00

just 1 and a half more weeks...

gonna be tough, but i'll get by. =)

12/08/07

2007-08-12T19:45:00.000+08:00

once again, just a short thought of u, ur deterination, ur accomplishments, pushed me on once again. though i dun feel any attachment to my friends anymore, i still need them.

it has both pros and cons, now i'm more focused in the army and booking in is not so tough, however, i dunnoe who i can talk to anymore, i'd just randomly find someone to sms. the only pple able to push me on are my platoon mates.

suddenly i began to wonder... all these while... going to church, for God or for my friends? my daily relationship and dependence of God has not change, but the desire to go to his house, to spend time with him has slowly dissipated.

i still need my God, but i dun want to be where his people are. confusing huh.

-

i miss timor... miss those times sooo much.

07/08/07

2007-08-07T18:21:00.000+08:00

hohoho!!! 3 more weeks!!! my invisible corporal rank hooohooo!!!

neways, i suddenly wished we're in field camp, how wierd! hahaha.. training's so tough all of a sudden, and last time i wished i was doing training WTH! the grass is always greener on the other side. =P

i've been enjoying myself, tt's for sure. i really hope tt days would continue to be this fun. or rather i guess it's my mentality. =D

btw, i am having my nights out! =D hurray!! going back at 10pm though haha...

i hope everyone comes home soon. off!

05/08/07

2007-08-05T21:27:00.000+08:00

today's a great day. it's just perfect, the way i wanted to spend my weekends.

after church, we went to my uncles place for lunch, i managed to convince my parents to explore the quieter parts of singapore which turned out real fun and adventurous. have not done tt in some time.

then since we were nearby another uncle's place, i thought why not visit! =P

though i had many things i wanted to do, i am proud that today i managed to decide between what i should do and what i need to.

rushing off! so lacking details. book out on national day!!!

04/08/07

2007-08-04T13:11:00.000+08:00

this week passed by real fast. i enjoyed almost everyday of it haha... was fun outfield, like i get to know the others more too. and we did stinking well for ex wanderer. we found ALL check points! walked more than 20km..

AND! OCTs are pathetic! us specialist are better trained than the cadets la! if i get into ocs, i'd aim to be company best hohohoho! look at them la! contacted they prone, one cluster ON THE ROAD! HAHAHAHAHA! i couldn't help but laugh at them cos their commander scolded them in a really funny way hahahaha... just one HE and i'd blow em all up hahahaha..

i can't wait, end of course in 4 weeks! time sure fly here.. bmt felt like forever. haha....

290907

2007-07-29T18:52:00.000+08:00

do my entries sound so suicidal? hahaha...

oh well, life is hard inside, i'm sad now, and what i go through now is unbearable, however once i go in, i'm usually fine. it's just hard now, just for now....

2 more hours till i leave home.

there's a cry and a hatred so deep inside of me. i hate what i'm doing now, i hate the government. these feelings don't show them, i can't show them. i'm a soldier, a leader.

tears flow every there and then, it flows in my heart and i let it out only if i'm alone. this is not the life i want, actually, i dun even know what i want. even if i'm out, what's the kind of life i'd lead? i have no idea.

2 years... 2 years...

i have no faith in myself.

28/07/07

2007-07-28T15:44:00.000+08:00

just a little more...

-

just recently i picked up my booked which i stopped halfway and i finished reading it within 2 days. the book for one more day by mitch albom had changed my life this week.

before my book out on thurs, i was longing for a day out, i remember how sad and how much my heartached. i missed my mom. well... thursday was my one more day with her. just like the book, i longed for just one day with my mom.

i booked out on thurs for a medical check up, so my mom accompanied me to the hospital where i did my check up. it just felt so nice being with her. like the world, the stress, slowly drifted away; blocked somewhere inside my head.

i just wanted time to go by slowly. we went for lunch after the hospital, so we went down to IMM since i needed to get some chips and stuff. when we reached, we couldn't get a parking spot, my mom told me to go out first and buy my stuff and lunch at the same time. but that was not what i wanted, i wanted to be with her, i wanted to walk with her. like a little boy, i told her "i don't want to go alone.."

and just like any mother, she knew. she let out a short breathe like a little laugh and drove round looking for a spot.

so we did walk around IMM like how i wanted it to be. looking around the shops, clothes, walking round the super market and got what i needed, ate lunch. it felt so much like a dream of something i wanted to do so much when i was a little boy.

if you know my mom, it's hard to get a long with her, sometimes, she can't hear me when i speak or rather, she ignores me. and i can't tell her things cos instead of encouragement, i'd prolly get a scolding.

but well... since i'm in ns, we don't really get to see each other, even on weekends, we both have our own lives and our work to do. i'm happy we had tt day. what was half a day felt like a whole day.

went back to camp at 2pm. all in all, i spent 6hrs with my mom before returning to camp and i treasured every moment of it.

when the world fails you, put ur trust in God,

and don't u forget ur mom!

26/07/07

2007-07-26T09:00:00.000+08:00

am out today to do some ultra sound scan at alexandra hospital. yay.. short book out. i needed a time out.

for the past 2 weeks i've been having field camp and so my whole body's starting to itch. man... it's not rash not bites, i dunnoe what it is, but i scratch my whole body every there and then.

yesterday, rather last night, i just had a hell of scolding and punishment. the reason why i was punished was dumb, but oh well... have to thank my platoon for helping out.

am stinking tired. cos of punishment, i had less than 5hrs of sleep. thought i'd get to do some paper reading but am too sleepy, even now.

haha... my entry seems very point formy haha... tired. be back on sat morning, book out 6.15am. =D

field camp is nothing scary now, just tiring.